Sexual Addictions

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 Much of my work has been explaining to the average Joe Bloggs why someone might develop an addiction to pornography, prostitution or cyber-sex. The social taboo placed on these behaviours and other sexually deviant activities, is unhelpful to those struggling with the compulsive behaviour and those grappling, wanting to understand more about it. Those who understand any addiction will know that the compulsive behaviour usually masks serious emotional and personal turmoil. My aim is to help create an understanding that the behaviour is a symptom of underlying problems rather than the problem itself and hope to create a place for people to come forward and liberate themselves of the monster.

The pornography, prostitution or cyber-sex activities demand nothing of the person’s emotional self, there is no risk involved, no danger of rejection or humiliation associated when someone says "No!" (these activities don't ever say no - not to the addict). The activities are always available, very attractive, and seductive to anyone who needs connection and closeness. It's a form of sex that involves little energy, low performance, no risk of being humiliated or exposed to being hurt. The heavier the taboo, the higher the risk, and greater the excitement or high! Compare it to pre-drinks or combining ecstasy and alcohol before you go out - to get a greater high. So where sex and pornography is concerned the greater the behaviour is taboo, the greater the high. These activities are, of course, only illusory and the felt connection, seduction and wanted-ness is an illusion, compensating for the persons low self-worth. Something can be said of desire here, all illusionary. Clients who engage in these behaviours report, afterwards, feeling worse; more ashamed, guilty, self-loathing, angry at the time engaged wasted in chasing a fantasy. They despairingly reflect on the betrayal to their partner, family, friends and worst of all…themselves – a definite sign that your legitimate emotional needs have not been fulfilled in a healthy shape or form. Further to this a Moral/Value split occurs, complicating matters further....

 Another perspective…  

You’re driving home from a long hard day of work. You haven’t had a proper meal and its hours since you had that coffee, biscuit or grabbed a novelty bar from the fundraising box. You’re hungry, famished and can’t wait to get home, unwind and cook something to eat…groan cook, that’s another 30 minutes and it’s going to be at least an hour before you get home and even begin to think about cooking, let alone think about what food you have in the house. Anyway you’re shattered and just want to crash out. F*** you utter under your breath, you’re feeling uptight, agitated and irritable, why the f*** did Alicia, the office blond, have to keep going on about how unfair things were and how over worked she was and if people paid their account on time …bla..bla..bla… if she just shut up and got on with it you would have been finished and at home ages ago. It’s starting to rain…traffic is a nightmare…backed up and down to a snail’s pace…your stomach grumbles…fffeeedd meeee....And then you see it…those bright yellow arches rising up at the side of the road, two nurturing arms, reaching out to give you a big hug - Mc Donald’s! How did you know!!! Oh a big Mac, fries, coke…no grab one of their $20 meals and what you don’t finish you can have for lunch…who cares says your stomach…get another $20 meal deal tomorrow…just feed me…I’m hungry…my head says but you shouldn't…I felt awful after the last time and said I would never do it again…practice patience…who gives a damn about patience says your stomach, it’s been days, weeks, months since the last time and I deserve it, I mean its damn Alicia’s fault anyway, keeping you there, going on and on, keeping you stuck there…sod it, I’ll do it…mmmmmm…you say sucking in the smell of excitement as your hands guide the steering wheel through the drive thru…the smells of salty, fatty fried food fills your nostrils and your mouth starts to water and the palms of your hands become sweaty as the car nudges closer…truly exhilarating…. And then you have it, you get stuck in, secretly appreciating Alicia for keeping you at work...the traffic...the weather...causing so much bother….the hell you've put up with over the last few weeks makes the……Aaaaaaaaahhh the taste, the feeling…bliss…Mmmmmmm, munch, munch…munch…the…aaaahhh…the greasy mayo dribbles down your chin…Oh..no…

You fumble around in the bottom of the bag for more fries…surely no…they can't be gone already! Who ate them…where did they go…? They tasted soooo good, you think its punishment, as you lick your fingers, licking the excess salt from your fingers, you consider getting some more. No, you shouldn’t. Anyway you're not hungry and there’s that feeling of the pressure of your bloated stomach against your pants… full, bloated and uncomfortable arrrgh, the muffin top has returned… the after taste of salty, fried food and fat coats your mouth and the back of your throat. You don’t feel so good, in fact you feel sick! The more you think about how you were doing so well…the more your curse yourself for being so stupid, impulsive and greedy and now the seat belt feels too tight and you're tempted to open the top button of your pants and, a side thought wanders in…appreciation for elastic waistbands! And damn Alicia, it was her fault, she just kept going on and on and kept you longer and the traffic seems heavier than before and now you feel sick. Sick, angry, ashamed and unfulfilled, you went about meeting, what seemed like, a legitimate need for hunger in an unhealthy way and now feel worse.

For people who struggle with any addiction, the analogy with junk food works well. They forego the meat and two veg (and lots of greens) for junk. A person with an addiction has a belief system and delusional thought pattern that put precedence on the addiction or "junk food". Overeating, for example, or as in the above scenario, an impulsive act, is a way to minimize pain and loneliness. The addict who becomes overweight (or underweight) add shame concerning their body image to their repertoire of pain and the two addictions (impulsivity and compulsivity) start to reinforce each other and an addiction system develops. The person avoids close, intimate and rewarding relationships for the meaningless, superficial and illusory encounters, experienced through their addiction. The addictive agent compensates for the persons underlying feelings of inadequacy, unlovable, ignored, and confused and they are not faulty or defective but fearful and afraid!

Initially we work on getting the addiction, or compulsion, under control – get clean. Abstinence begins when core beliefs are addressed. Tackling one’s core beliefs (usually learned in childhood) that drive the addict’s world is an integral part of therapy as it minimizes relapse (or avoids the drive thru!). Overtime the client will come to see compulsive/impulsive behaviour for what it is – meaningless, shallow, illusory and shame inducing and experience the real and deep rewards available (and deserved!) for connecting in a profoundly deep, and personal way. Those who get there (or here!) come to appreciate lots of green veggies with their meat over McDonalds any day!